Our Story

We knew Brazos’ name and knew he would exist before both of his big brothers were born. Brazos was my most favorite name and when we found out we were pregnant with our first I just knew it was Brazos. My husband wasn’t on board though. For whatever reason he just wasn’t feeling the name. I was devastated (insert laughing emoji). Fast forward to our second son. During a 3 year wait, due to infertility issues, another name came to mind. So when we finally got pregnant it was between Branson and Brazos. My husband actually chose Brazos. I was excited and even sent my sister a text saying “he chose Brazos!”. But within the hour I just felt weird about it. Something in me told me “this isn’t Brazos…”. After another meltdown I told my husband, “I don’t think this is Brazos.” So we named our second Branson.

We struggled with getting pregnant with all our babies so we were not sure if we would have another. I would always say, “I can’t believe Brazos never existed..” But a few months after our first miscarriage we finally saw a heartbeat… there he was, finally, our little Brazos Boe (Boe because he was going to be our rainbow baby :)).

The pregnancy progressed quite nicely but something in me felt unsettled. I thought maybe it was just my tendency to worry because we recently had a miscarriage. We waited longer to tell our boys and family and friends. I could never bring myself to buy anything for him because something in me knew.

Since we had gotten through the first trimester and were in the “safe zone” we told everyone and a week later I started bleeding heavily. I was at a kids birthday party when it happened and was paralyzed with fear. “This can’t happen. Everything has been perfect. He’s perfect. I’m in the safe zone. No, please someone wake me up.” I rushed to the ER since it was a Saturday. On the way I called my doctor and a nurse said not to worry it sounded like a sub-chorionic hemmorrage. Apparently it was somewhat common and was usually nothing and would heal itself overtime. But I still went. Which was horrible because no pregnant lady wants to find herself in the ER. The next Monday I visited my doctor and the ultrasound showed the SCH was almost non-existent and Brazos was completely fine. I was so relieved until 2 weeks later...

I continued life as normal and then bleeding came back with a vengeance. I called my doctor and was assured it was probably ok but to come back and get checked out. Again, everything checked out fine but the SCH had came back but was pretty small. This continued for 2 months and everytime I went in I noticed that SCH was getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger. But was reassured that by 20 weeks it usually heals itself and only 5% of mothers lose a baby because of this.

I was hopeful until March 2, 2020. I went in for another check up because I was bleeding so bad. But this time the news was not good. There my sweet Brazos was moving around so perfectly but in absolutely no amniotic fluid. Our world instantly stopped. “How could something like this happen to us. This has got to be a mistake.” But it wasn’t; this was happening. I was admitted to the hospital because I was anemic and was told only a matter of time I would lose him. We pleaded with God every moment. I remember waking up throughout the night in the hospital praying to God for a miracle. My prayers were deep. I felt God near. I was filled with peace knowing it was all going to be alright despite the journey He had us walking. Day after day I was hoping for God to give us the miracle we had been clinging onto. I mean seriously, it was me, me and God, we were tight, there was no way He would let me down. And He wouldn’t but it would most certainly feel like it.

On March 10th Brazos Boe was delivered straight into the arms of Jesus. And at the exact moment he was delivered I felt God leave me. Like completely disappear. No prayer felt authentic, I couldn’t connect with Him. For the first time in my life He was nowhere to be found. Or so it seemed. I remember lying in a mass pool of blood while they were waiting for the placenta to be delivered and was wanting to ask God to help it be delivered so I wouldn’t have to have a DNC. It was the first time I began a prayer and stopped and told God, “why am I bothering you won’t answer this prayer anyway..”. And I was right, hours later I was wheeled back to have a DNC to remove the placenta. I was so angry. I couldn’t believe the one thing I had always been able to count on and the one I knew would “never leave me or forsake me..” totally left me with a broken heart. Not just broken, shattered.

The next day I decided I would see Brazos. Honestly, I felt it was going to be too hard for me physically and emotionally to hold him. But I took some advice and decided I could do it. We held our sweet little boy and just examined every tiny detail about him. He was absolutely perfect. Nothing wrong with this baby. I remember the “mom guilt” that came over me. I couldn’t save my baby and it was my body that failed him. So much guilt.

We got home and the world stopped. Literally Covid-19 was spreading and the world completely shut down. This was a huge blessing for our family. We needed this. We needed our jobs and kids activities to just pause for a second so we could just mourn our loss and heal our hearts. But it also was scary too. Again, where was God? These two combined events left me for the first time in my life wondering if I had it all wrong.. did God really exist? If so what on earth was He doing?! And then, overtime God started speaking to me through scripture, people and things I would read. I came to realize what I already truly knew.. God had never left. He was right beside me. Watching and allowing me to struggle in this season to find a new strength. A new purpose. A purpose that would impact for the glory of God. . I was walking a path that was beyond my worst fears and with Him I was doing it. I remember moments in the hospital, scary moments thinking “I can not believe I’m doing this… and surviving..”. Same thoughts during the scary moments of the quarantine. “Look at us we are totally doing this!”. Gods purpose is most definitely the big picture. Genesis 50:20 says, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” I would have never ever chose this path but because God trusted us with this tragic story I made my mind up that I would find the good that God can bring from Brazos’ story. I would share his story. His life had a purpose. As much as it hurts and I rather have him in my arms I will spend the rest of my life spreading the Brazos Wind so others can feel this comfort in knowing. God has a plan.

This ministry has literally been pieced together since the beginning. Throughout my healing journey, friends have sent me songs, gifts, words of encouragement and ideas that have put this ministry so beautifully together. I hope you can read our story and be comforted. I felt it all. The fear, guilt, the physical and emotional pain and the feeling of abandonment by our God. He truly never will leave you or forsake you. Below are verses, and these are just some of the many of verses in the Bible that say just that…

Deuteronomy 31:6-8, 1 Chronicles 28:20, 1 Kings 8:57, 1 Peter 5:7, Deuteronomy 4:31, Genesis 28:15, Hebrews 4:16, Hebrews 13:5, Hebrews 13:6, Joshua 1:5, Joshua 1:9, Micah 7:7-8, Matthew 28:20, Psalm 55:22, Romans 8:28, Philippians 4:6-7, Psalm 73:23-26, Isaiah 41:10-13

You are not alone. Your baby was made “fearfully and wonderfully”. Your baby had a purpose. Never feel you need to keep it for yourself.

Our story part 2…

In the spring of 2022 we had an absolute miracle happen. We found out we were pregnant. This was a miracle in many ways. A few being I never thought I could get past my fear because of the tragic way we lost Brazos. But I felt so prepared and ready to risk it. So many little God winks came along to tell me to trust Him and try again. The other being we conceived without any help which, if you have read our story you know this was the first baby we were able to conceive this way. I felt a peace come over me and just felt everything would be ok.

The day I felt things may go south we were on the back porch and I finally felt I was letting my guard down. So excited. The walls of fear falling down and completely feeling surrendered to His will knowing this was not like last time. This was going to be the miracle of miracles you read about. We would end in this holding a healthy baby. Within the hour of complete peace about this pregnancy God started preparing my heart in a different way. So I scheduled an appointment. We went in when we should be 10 weeks and our sweet baby had passed.

To say I felt like I got completely knocked out and then kicked around on the ground until life left me is an understatement. How could He? He allowed it again? And I was at peace? Why all the what seemed to be miracles? The walls began to go back up. How could we survive another loss? But we did…

We scheduled the DNC same day. The same day I felt like I got hit with the ultimate KO. And that same day I felt so brave walking into the surgery center. We smiled, made a few jokes. Even laughed a little. How could we be doing this? We were devastated but somehow felt a little joy that was just unexplained. How could I be putting one step in front of the other? Letting go of another baby. A lot smaller and a little less known.. but still loved.

There was definitely a mourning period. We also never knew gender or name. I didn’t get to hold this baby like Brazos. I tried to tell myself just to forget about it. My brain couldn’t fathom another loss or thought of who this baby was.

We hadn’t told but a handful of people and I didn’t share with many of the loss. But while making a chime I was reading the Brazos Wind card and it reminded me every baby no matter what age or gestational age has a purpose. And every baby is part of your story no matter 1 week, 10 weeks, 20 weeks or beyond the womb.

I couldn’t wrap my head around why God would allow it again. Still trying to trust but just couldn’t understand. One of our mentors and someone we will always feel is our “pastor” texted us this. It is so powerful and I’m pretty sure helps sum it all up. I wanted to share. Because God is still working miracles even when they don’t turn out in what we feel is our favor…

“I was thinking that to say this is just part of God‘s plan can sometimes sound so cliché. It feels like we say that so much that it actually does not help. But then we just face the reality of who God is in his glory and his wisdom, and it IS part of his plan. But then we face the other reality that we exist in a broken world, a world that is in constant conflict with God‘s plan. What I want so much is to be able to take whatever pain you have and remove it, but then scripture reminds us that we will suffer, but how we endure suffering is to his glory. Our suffering is a simple statement of our faith, and trusting that those things that exist beyond our vision are well within his dominion. I do know this, and I pray that you take comfort from it: you are good and faithful servants, and God is well pleased with you.”

If you find yourself in a “miracle” that didn’t end the way the story books tell us they should God is still working. And the fact that we can still get up, dust ourselves off and continue life might just be the testimony others need to hear. God is good! Even when life is not.